So that same morning, as I could not get out of bed, I took the opportunity to think deeply and make sense of my emptiness. Here is what I found.
The Joy I knew was like dopamine release, it coursed through my whole body as I saw my dreams achieved. It would last for days or sometimes months, permeating even into my soul, so much so that I assumed it was here to stay. But somehow, I had developed TOLERANCE and needed a heavy dose of dopamine; in my case, it was a much greater achievement to bring back that Joy.
As there was a lot that we did not yet have growing up, so much to pray and hope for, I regularly got my dose of dopamine-Joy with every answered prayer. Seeing God do exceedingly and abundantly every single time was like a steadily increasing dosage of dopamine. And like that, my tolerance needs were met.
Now at my biggggg age, I have much more than I have asked for. Not that I have everything, but in everything I have, there is so much beauty and evidence of God's faithfulness, and for this I am grateful.
However, I no longer get my regular dopamine-release Joy as I used to, as my childhood dreams are now right in front of me.
My story is one I would call MISPLACED JOY. I placed my joy on created things rather than on the CREATOR. Do you ever catch yourself saying, "I would be so happy if I got XYZ?" Yes, I did that a lot. I thought I knew true joy, but I didn't.
I thought if I just dreamt more, take up more projects, or find my next purpose, happiness would come knocking on my door again. Then I asked, "After that, what's next?" It was a never-ending road.
My take on this is that everything mundane at best is a DOPAMINE-RELEASE JOY, is never-lasting and bound to fade. Helping that neighbour next door is amazing and fulfilling but cannot give true Joy. It would only last for days or months at best, and then you are back to emptiness, maybe even more empty than before.
I am learning to lean on my CREATOR for a Joy that no one else can offer, one that will last forever. This is still new to me, but I am learning to say "I feel God" when I cannot bring myself to say "I feel Good" because God is Good!
I do not exactly know how these all end, but I want to encourage one person to find TRUE JOY, one found by looking up towards God. Not internally to self or externally to people, places, or activities. Get your dose of dopamine-release Joy when you can but do not get too carried away. Find true, basal, long-acting JOY!
I am finding mine in CHRIST, setting my eyes on him, not what he can do or has done for me but on him and HIM only.
Even now as I write, I am constantly having to remind myself that I cannot and will not find basal joy in writing, but only in Christ. Through him I can share the privileges of the Joy I have found in him with others.
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